


Weak

by geumyoungs



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 2park, M/M, Oops, Unrequited Love, im sorry, its kinda angsty, this is a thing that happened, when will i learn how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 00:54:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12332232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geumyoungs/pseuds/geumyoungs
Summary: Jihoon reads 2park fanfiction, Woojin finds out.





	Weak

**Author's Note:**

> this is short and sad like me :((( hope you enjoy (and by enjoy i mean your soul gets ripped apart)

Jihoon has a routine. Every night when his members are asleep, he pulls out his phone and searches for stories the fans have written about him and Park Woojin. It had started out as kind of a joke when he’d come across some fanart someone had drawn of the pair, but Jihoon quickly fell into the rabbit hole. He couldn’t deny that he had feelings for the younger Park and although it was embarrassing and weird and a little sad, he loved the butterflies he felt while reading about all the ways the pair could fall in love. When Jihoon had started reading fanfiction, he pretended to take very long baths so that he could sit in the bathroom and binge read as many stories as he could before someone knocked on the door to tell him to get out. He was scared of getting caught, but eventually he figured out that waiting until everyone was asleep would probably attract less attention than staying holed up in the bathroom for over an hour.

He makes it a rule to never read fanfiction about him with any other person besides Woojin because for some reason it just feels so damn wrong if it’s anyone but Woojin. He also makes it a rule to never read stories that pair Woojin with anyone else, but not because it’s wrong, Jihoon knows his place, he doesn’t read them because the thought of Woojin being with someone else— _anyone_ else makes him feel nauseous. It’s sooner rather than later that sadness comes knocking and Jihoon feels extremely lonely and pathetic reading about a love that is about him, but isn’t actually his. At first, Jihoon thought about stopping, but strangely, it’s so addictive. The sadness, the warmth, the way his heart swoons from how in love he is with Woojin and the way his heart clenches when he remembers that this isn’t reality. It’s weird to admit, maybe even slightly concerning, but Jihoon likes feeling sad. He’s so used to it by now he doesn’t really know what he’d do if he _wasn’t_ sad.  

One evening, when Jihoon is facing the wall and crying over an exceptionally heartbreaking fic, he feels a weight dip into his bed behind him and he jolts, instantaneously locking his phone.

“Jihoon? Are you okay?”

Jihoon turns to look at the eyes that never fail to make him _so_ weak, “I’m fine, Woojin, I just read something really sad.”

“What’d you read?” The younger asks him while taking a seat on the edge of his bed.

He knew that that would be the follow-up question, but actually hearing it, and actually having to come up with an answer short circuits Jihoon a little, “Uh, just stuff.”

Woojin doesn’t seem satisfied with his answer one bit, “Jihoon, your phone’s browsing history is connected to your laptop and I know the password to that so if you don’t tell me—”

Jihoon curses quietly, “Fuck, okay fine fine, Woojin. I was reading fanfiction. It’s kinda weird, but it’s funny. Not this story though, this one was a bitch, but it’s interesting to read about us from the fan’s point of view.”

For a long time Woojin doesn’t say anything, just looks at Jihoon while processing, but then he responds, “So what was this one about?”

Jihoon’s jaw drops at the casual tone the other uses as if reading fanfiction about yourself is at all normal, “Uhh, you see, uhm… it’s about you and I falling in love, but then I die.”

Woojin snorts, “You died? Is that why you’re crying?”

“For your information, I don’t handle character death very well, especially when it’s about me.” Jihoon rolls his eyes at the other. He really can’t believe that Woojin is so calm about the fact that he just said he’s reading about them falling in love.

“Ca-can I read it too?” Woojin asks, sounding a little unsure if he really wants to.

Jihoon’s heart is pounding because Woojin wants to read about them falling in love?! He tries to calm himself down before he gets too excited because he knows that he’s merely curious and not actually interested in him. The thought of reading fanfiction about him and Woojin _with_ Woojin makes his stomach churn. In theory, it sounds sweet; like he could pretend that the two of them are actually in love, but then pain blindsides Jihoon when he remembers that it would just be pretend. It wouldn’t be real. It won’t ever be real. Jihoon wants to stop torturing himself, but the way Woojin looks at him (with those eyes that make him weak) has him crumbling, “Next time, Woojin. Go sleep now.”

Next time comes around sooner than Jihoon expected when Woojin crosses the room to hop on Jihoon’s bed with his laptop in tow. All of the other members are asleep as Woojin whispers out a soft, “Let’s read, Jihoon.”

The first fic that the boys ever read is a friends to lovers that’s set in the real world and Jihoon can’t help but think about how much he hates fate right now. He can’t believe that he has to endure sitting next to the love of his life, reading about how they fall in love over and over, while listening to said love of his life laugh at the very possibility of that ever happening. Jihoon can only thank fate for making him want to curl up in a ball and die at the same time as the Jihoon they’re reading about.

This routine, that was so specifically Jihoon’s and Jihoon’s alone becomes Jihoon _and_ Woojin’s and Jihoon hates this. Hates it all so much because there's no escape from his feelings. During the day, the group promotes and at night he goes home—the home that he shares with Woojin and the group. And now the only time he had to himself, when all of the other members are fast asleep and he's up reading about a love he'll never have is taken from him too. Every night without fail the object of his affection sneaks over to him in the still of the night with only a laptop screen to provide light and the four words that Jihoon has come to hate: _"are you still awake?"_

Sometimes the stories are sad and when Jihoon looks at Woojin and sees a couple of tears slip from between his lashes then he knows, that he can cry too. Unabashedly. He sobs and sobs until the other stops his crying to question if he's okay. See, Woojin only thinks that Jihoon is crying because he's scared of death, but what he doesn't know is that Jihoon isn't afraid of death because he already knows what it feels like to die everyday just by having to stand next to Woojin as his friend. Jihoon feels like he's dying because he has to be friends with the love of his life. But he doesn't mention it. He never does.

Other times, the stories are happier, but Jihoon _still_ feels like crying.

Some days, Jihoon feels hopeful. He feels like maybe _just maybe_ all the fanservice and the late nights reading fanfiction that’s literally about how in love they are means something more to Woojin than just a laugh. More often than not though, he’s reminded by the way Woojin admires Daniel, or in the way he casually cuddles Daehwi that he’s not important and nothing means any more to Woojin than what it really is. Friendship. It’s amazing how Woojin makes him feel both on top of the world and under it when they read together because yes, they do have this time; this time that is strictly theirs to have. But then Jihoon thinks, does he really _want_ this time? This time that lets him taste just what being in love and being loved is like, but never so much as to satisfy his craving. He can never understand all the mixed signals he receives from the younger, like his brain is just a pitiful gps stuck recalculating. Or maybe his heart is just lost. No matter how lost he feels, he always comes back to the same conclusion and it’s always Woojin. Going in circles like a merry-go-round sent straight from hell, Jihoon doesn’t know how to solve any of his problems when the problems are concealed by a title like friendship and his answers are somewhere between impossible and downright ridiculous.

It takes two months of reading together almost every night to finally break Jihoon. It’s when the duo is reading a fic set in the real world that features Jihoon falling into an unrequited love that really does him in. While Woojin jests about how often Jihoon is the one falling for him in all the fics and how he is always the one who gets hurt or dies, Jihoon can’t help but see some truth to those statements. He _is_ the one who fell for Woojin, he _is_ the one getting hurt, and he _does_ feel like he’s dying. Jihoon doesn’t say much, just haphazardly rises from the bed and goes straight for the door. He walks out into the night despite the rain and his lack of layers, he just needs to be out of that apartment before he implodes.

“Jihoon, wait!” He hears Woojin call after him, but he doesn’t want to stop walking because if he turns around to look at the other he’ll start to cry and he can’t take lying about his feelings anymore.

“Jihoon!” Woojin finally catches the other and spins him around. He’s crying. “Jihoon, what’s wrong? Was it the teasing? I’m sorry, I didn’t think it annoyed you that much. We can read one where I fall for you this time, let’s go.”

Woojin moves to pull the other back in the direction of their home, but Jihoon wrenches his arm out of his grip, “You don’t get it, do you?” He wipes at his cheeks furiously.

The younger only looks at him not really getting what he’s supposed to understand, “Look, just put this on first, okay? You’re going to get sick.”

It’s only now that Jihoon realizes the younger brought him a hoodie and an umbrella. Woojin forces the clothing on him before the elder can even protest and opens up the umbrella for the both of them to stand under.

“What’s wrong, Jihoon?”

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong is that it doesn’t matter how many fucking stories we read or about how many of them have you falling for me because none of those will ever come close to the truth! None of them will be as real as the one we just read because that’s how it really is, Woojin! I’m fucking in love with you and you’re too fucking dense to realize that reading about being in love with you while you’re not actually in love with me hurts me so much I can barely breathe anymore!”

The pitter patter of rain fills in the silence that Woojin allows to swallow them both.

“Jihoon, you’re probably just confused because of all the fanfiction we’ve been reading, you don’t actually like me.” Woojin shakes his head, but Jihoon is pretty sure that deep down Woojin knows that he isn’t confused.

“Woojin, I’ve been in love with you for much longer than we’ve been reading fanfiction together. I’m sure.”

The younger opens his mouth to say something, but Jihoon just cuts him off, “Don’t! Don’t say anything. I didn’t tell you so I could receive and answer, I already know.”

“Jihoon,” Woojin looks so… so panicked. Because of him.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. I mean, been hiding it this long, right? What’s another year or so before we separate anyways?” Jihoon bites his bottom lip and looks off into the corner of his vision to stop the tears from falling.

“Jihoon, I—” Woojin hands the other the umbrella, “I think I should go stay with Hyungseob for a little bit. I won’t miss the schedules and I’ll explain it to all of the hyungs so just—just go home, alright?”

Woojin looks him in the eyes briefly and Jihoon can see concern and guilt pouring from those eyes (those eyes that make him so weak). Jihoon feels miserable. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. Watching Woojin’s retreating figure as the other sprints through the mini assault of raindrops makes Jihoon realize that he can’t take it anymore. It’s not even the fact that Woojin left him standing in the rain that finally cracks the hard shell Jihoon has been building since before Wanna One had even become a group. It’s the umbrella. It’s the fact that Woojin let him keep the umbrella even though they weren’t far from home. It’s the fact that despite Woojin quite literally breaking his entire fucking heart without so much as a sorry (not that he would have wanted it anyways), he still cared for him in the way that he always does. He let him keep the umbrella even though they’re only a block away from home and the other has a ten fucking minute run to get to Hyungseob’s house. Jihoon doesn’t want his sympathy or his pity. He just wanted Woojin to love him and he knows, _god_ how he wishes he didn’t, but he knows that that’s something he can’t have. He feels terrible for doing this to the younger, for putting him into such an uncomfortable position. He feels sorry for what it could do to the group. So Jihoon comes to a decision. For tonight, and tonight only, he’ll cry. He’ll read stories that turn out differently than what happened here in reality and indulge himself in a world that isn’t this one and tomorrow he’ll pretend like nothing ever happened, like he hasn’t been in love with Woojin for the past six months, like he isn’t the sum of broken pieces. He leaves the umbrella propped up against the wall of the building next to him, somehow, walking in the rain seems fitting. He lets his feet take him to the playground of some elementary school and he sits on the swing set. Jihoon doesn’t care about how cliche he’s being, he lets the cold rain mix in with his warm tears until his cheeks are as messy as the situation. He lets the thunder mask his sobs as he just lets it all go.

**Author's Note:**

> imma just say sorry for this!! thanks for making it to the end and i really do hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> also my twt is @geumyoungs if you want to yell at me or make friends w me (same thing basically)


End file.
